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Home » Sunshine Mama Drama

Carlyn’s Journey-Clomidzilla… VII

Submitted by on April 9, 2010 – 6:00 AM5 Comments
Carlyn’s Journey-Clomidzilla… VII

“When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” Franklin D. Roosevelt

The verdict was in from Lucy and Ethel. I had to take the drug Clomid (125 mg). (Lord help us all!) I was told that I would only have to try the medicine for two months, because I had already exhausted 4 months on Clomid already (WITH THE WRONG DOSAGE!!!! Thanks again for that Dr. Nonchalant). After 6 unsuccessful months on Clomid, most fertility doctors go to the next step because the body obviously, isn’t responding to the drug. If I happened to fall into that category, and my body didn’t respond to it in two months, then we’d explore the next step. Once again, I had hope in Clomid.  After all, my test results had shown a deficiency in the hormone progesterone, which is most commonly “fixed” with Clomid (if you are ON THE RIGHT DOSAGE THAT IS!!!) Ok, really, that is the last time I’ll rant. I just had to get it out of my system.

I remember when I picked up the Clomid that first day. I decided it would be a good idea to pray over it. I didn’t pray that it would work. I thought that was a given. God was in the know about whether it would work or not. I had a more urgent prayer request. I needed to pray that I wouldn’t kill the sweet little love of my life, Robbie. Bless his heart! When I was on 25mg, it seemed that he could do nothing right to me. What would happen when I was on 125mg? Well, I was definitely having the knives removed from the house, for one thing! So when I picked up my meds, I said, “Dear Lord, please help me not to kill Robbie. I kind of need him for what we’re trying to achieve. Also, please help him to still love me after all of this is said and done. It would not be cool to get pregnant and divorced at the same time all because of these devil evoking, baby making pills. In Jesus’ name, Amen!”

I also decided that I would use a little reverse psychology by waking up everyday and telling myself, “It’s going to be a good day. No one is going to get physically or emotionally hurt. You will think before you say ANYTHING to anyone!” I also double dipped into my devotions. I did a little Joel Osteen in the morning and wrapped up the day with a little Stormie Omartian (The Prayer that Changes Everything). I also decided to recruit my husband in on the prayer wagon. I desperately wanted him to read “The Power of a Praying Husband,” by Stormie Omartian. I had read it, and decided I needed 95% of those prayers prayed for me on a daily basis, but there was a problem. My Rob is NOT a reader. He only reads emails, or articles that have some kind of animal you can shoot on the cover… so I got smart. I decided that each day I would choose the prayer from the book that I felt I needed most for that day. I would type it in an email, throw in a picture of a deer, and say, “Hey Honey, look at this nice deer, and by the way, would you read this prayer for me today.” (I know what you’re thinking! I’m a genius, right?) Every time I did this, Rob actually replied with an email that said he’d prayed for me. Then he’d write some sweet words to cheer me up. (Unbeknownst to Robbie, he read the entire book by Stormie Omartian this way!)

So, life on Clomid (125mg) was actually decent.  Before I knew it, I was 3 weeks in with little or no casualties. Week 4 hit. This was the week before my monthly visitor, and we were hoping she would NOT be coming with Mother Nature’s “gift.” It was so hard. I would tell myself to think positively, and just believe I was pregnant, but then, I’d over analyze everything. I would think I had every single pregnancy “symptom.” I would wake up and say, “Yep! I do feel a little queasy.” Had anyone asked me, I probably could have thrown up on command because in my heart, I wanted to be pregnant so badly. I decided that I was eating way more than usual, and, yes, I thought that if I looked really hard, I could even see a little pooch. I thought I had all of these symptoms even before I could take a pregnancy test and get accurate results! Then the rational part of me would say, “Just stop thinking about it. You are pumping yourself up way too much, and it’s going to be a horrible blow if you’re wrong.” So, I would try to listen to that rational side and stay busy so I wouldn’t think about it. (Yeah, right!)

When my “monthly gift” finally showed up, it was hard. I was learning to deal with it better now than I had the first month. What I couldn’t learn to do, though, was stop those voices in my head. They would tell me how defective I was…that I was such a disappointment to Rob. I would constantly think about how unfair it was for him to have such a flawed wife. I wondered if he wished he’d known everything before he married me. Would it have made a difference? I logically knew that the Devil was attacking my psyche, and of course, Rob loved me no matter what. He had never alluded to anything other than pure love for me! Eventually, keeping in those thoughts did nothing but make the voices in my head get louder. I finally broke down and told Rob about my fears, and the insecurities I often felt. There was just something about having my husband tell me what I was thinking was further from the truth that quieted the voices. I think he also became aware of the extreme guilt I felt each month when I was unable to conceive. He tried to comfort me about that also. I watched as our relationship become stronger through the adversity. We were communicating better, praying for each other, learning to choose our battles, and minding our tongues. I started to realize that our marriage was being blessed, even through what seemed to be a terrible time. Looking back, now, the change is more obvious. It wasn’t as obvious to me when we were in the thicket, but my point is,

even in dark times, you can always find some kind of blessing. God is so good that way.

So, I spent two months on 125mg of Clomid. The bad news? No baby. The good news? I hadn’t hurt my husband or anyone else.

“So, what happens next?” we asked Lucy and Ethel.

“We’re pulling out the semi big guns,” they said.  What does that mean? Well, a procedure called an IUI (AKA:  Intrauterine Insemination. Here is a Q&A website all about this procedure http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/iui.html ) After getting the details on this one, I was on board. To get pregnant this way, ALL I would have to do was take my lovely Clomid and then go in for observation. When I had a healthy number of mature eggs, they would use a catheter to insert the swimmies! Wow! Rob was not too thrilled about this. He thought I was way too happy about it, which wasn’t a good sign for him, if you know what I mean.  I was thinking, “Baby with no hassle of the bedroom? Sign me up!”

Clomidzilla had been tamed, and it was a good thing. It looked like it was not going away for awhile, even with the new procedure.   IUI’s here we come!


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5 Comments »

  • Dr. Annie says:

    I also went through the Clomid nightmare, and I love that you can write it with wit and humor. You describe it all so well. One month my friend was late and I had actually convinced myself that my friend was not coming. How disappointed I was when I made a doctor appointment and the verdict was negative. I had actually talked my body into feeling pregnant,cloning the symptoms you describe and my friend was on the doorstep the next day! And yes, there were tears!! The good thing for you and your hubby is that fertility assistance today has gone so much farther beyond drugs, and you are willing to explore all possibilities. I think your articles are so needed as there are far more women having difficulty conceiving than the public generally perceives. And for most of us women, it is not an easy subject to talk about. As you said, our hearts are crushed from our desires to accomplish what seems so easy for everyone else. Good luck and keep up the great writing.

  • Lolly says:

    Thanks Dr. Annie.

  • Denise says:

    Carlyn, I have enjoyed reading your entries. You definitely have the gift of story-telling and keeping your reader captivated! Your mom (my daugthers teacher) sent me an invite to this blog a couple of months ago. I just wanted to share with you one thing doctors may actually be overlooking…your thyroid function. Throughout my child-bearing years, it seems my progesterone production was pretty sporadic. I did not become pregnant with our 2nd child until our 1st child was 6 yrs old, and there is a 10 yr difference between our 1st and 3rd child. My doctor recently confirmed that I appear to not ovulate at all. Although you didnt’ say, I am pretty sure you have had thyroid tests done, what with all the discussion, testing and such on your “business” LOL, but reading the thyroid tests are tricky because there is a great deal of controversy concerning the test levels and the laboratories have not changed their ranges as of yet. So if your doctor does not know, they continue reading them as provided by the lab. Your thyroid function (TSH specifically) should be no less than 1 and no more than 2. The other two hormones, Free T4 and Free T3 must be checked as well. Most doctors refuse to test the Free T3, which is actually THE biologically active thyroid hormone! Dr. Oz, who before touted TSH only testing because I bet that is how he was taught in medical school, has now thankfully back-tracked and stressed the importance of testing of this hormone on one of the morning shows recently. The thyroid hormones, (again, with the exception of TSH which should always read on the lower end) should never be @ the lower end of the respective reference ranges. It is always recommended that they be at least in the upper 1/3 of their range. Thought this might provide you with something else to explore. The body is one huge, confusing network and when one hormone fails to produce, others follow suit; sometimes a response for the good. Without adequate maternal thyroid hormone in circulation, a baby has a greater chance for congenital abnormalities, miscarriage or our bodies refusal to provide the necessary hormones to even conceive in the first place. All of this, I had to find out on my own by reading everything I could put my hands on with respect to hormone. My doctors (yes, I became an avid Dr. Shopper until I found one willing to listen as well as guide, LOL!) never explained any of this. I will be praying for you and your husband!!!

  • Carlyn says:

    Thank you Denise for your response and for being so detailed. You make great points and give good advice. I was not checked for the thyroid hormone deficiency until after my first miscarriage (which will come in later blogs but with my current specialist). You hit the nail on the head and I do have hypothyroidism. As far as I know (which may be a problem, lol) he tested me for a number of thyroid deficiencies. He thought almost immediately after my first miscarriage, along with the problems of conceiving, that this may be a problem. He was right. I will look further into all the testing that was done. What great information you give and hopefully it will help some of my other readers who are dealing with trying to conceive. I have to say I am impressed that you research this all on your own. Kudos to you! I cannot stress enough how important that is! We have to be educated on what is going on! So many people think that because they may have MD by their name that they know what is best. I have dealt with several “specialist” who I feel was not willing to do what was necessary to find the problem. Thanks for the prayers and for following Rob and I on our journey and for the prayers.
    Carlyn

  • Denise says:

    You are so welcome. I had no idea you were hypothyroid! I do not say that with excitement, but I am so glad to hear that was looked into; especially since the longer you go undiagnosed, the more difficult it seems to reverse or lessen the symptoms.

    If I had to guess, I would say I had Hashimoto’s since puberty and I would swing back and forth from hypo to hyper, hence my extreme weight fluctation in my pre-teens to late teen years. Then each pregnancy seemed to make me much worse in a hurry. After my 3rd child, I got to the point I had gained far too much weight despite not eating much, I was tired all of the time and even after 12-14 hours of sleep I felt sleep-deprived. My hair was falling out and my skin looked like the crypt-keeper! To me, I was literally dying when I looked into the mirror. I did not feel like a normal 20-something. I grew tired of being handed sleeping pills (they actually wanted me to sleep MORE?!, lol) and depression meds (I was not depressed, I was angry and scared of dying) and told to go on this or that diet. I knew at that point I had to find out what was going on with me. It only took one doctor (after a great many) to tell me I had thyroid disease and I literally took it from there, lol. So you are right about the need to become your own best advocate.

    During my own journey, I have befriended many, many other women who faced the same issues. And there is no doubt in my mind that God is going to bless you and your husband with a precious child of your own. You are not a failure or any less of a woman. I learned this disease is pretty much hereditary and there are many theories on what set this in motion, one being the famine. My dad has it and most of the females in his family have it and then I have relatives on my mom’s side with it. DOUBLE whammy, haha.

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